Changes

 
I have been thinking about leaving my job for a long time,well. at least a year, which for me is a long time. I postponed my action because of anxiety and pressure to continue to pursue a chosen path. For me to quit was to fail. However, by the time I made my decison my job description had changed so much that it was no longer something that I had signed up for. Being a robot was not appealing and the system i was working within was not something that I particularly agreed with. Therefore I was doing something I no longer desired to do, it was becoming more and more of a chore I felt like I had to change this as this situation was no longer allowing me to fulfil my potential.

After a truely relaxing christmas in the country,fed on my aunt Figgies amazing cooking and a new year hangover that lasted the entire day and more it's starting to sink in that I that I don't have to go back to work anymore. It's an exhilerhating feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I could break into song and tell them all to stick their policies and procedures. However, for me unemployment is out of the question as I do not want to be homeless and I sure aint gonna rely on the government. To make a start, I have signed up to a supply teaching agency to keep me in a regular routine of work and to ensure that I can cover the bills, right now optimism is my friend.

At this point its fair to mention that I am not desperate to rush into a new long term career, as for now I have decided that it is far more important for me to rediscover my inner calm, sounds cheesy but honestly there is too much noise in my head at the moment. It's like I've been stuck on a roller coaster with no brakes; I need to give my mind things to do things that feed it. I have been so bogged down with form filling,bookmarking and other bureaucratic rubbish that I have not given my mind and soul the breathing space that it needs. My head has been consumed by planning for the next day that I find it difficult to stay in the present moment for long.

As well as this it also leads me onto the state of my diet. Whilst teaching I would grab and snack whenever I got a chance. No mindful eating there then! Breakfast would be a banana, well at least I started well! then break time ooooh yeah I'd take something healthy like an orange or cereal bar but then staff room snacks always got me, especially after that terrible maths lesson where Jimmy threw a pencil and made Sita cry! Not that I was emotionally eating or anything! Lunchtime I'd console myself by a 30 minute break at the local cafe for a chicken sandwich, washed down with a can of red bull and a quick fag. The red bull sugar rush would give me the concentration I needed to get through the afternoon with 30 kids who after lunch time are so emotionally charged you end up having 20 conversations at once to find out that Lucy lost her coat and Mohamed hurt his arm on the Jungle gym.
       Then at the after school meeting I would indulge in a cuppa tea with a few biscuits that were going round. Followed by the 6pm walk to the station, right past the shop. Where I would buy a giant packet of crisps and another can of red bull to see me through till bedtime!. At home my typical evening meals were usually healthy such as protein,carb,veg balance but then 9pm munchies would ruin that balancing attempt and a packet of jaffa cakes whilst marking literacy would tip me over the edge into binge eating hell.             
        As for exercise, I like to pretend I'm active, I got the shoes, I got the clothes somewhere at the back of my wardrobe. I did have a gym membership three years ago but did I go? Yeah sure, like once a week.... maybe. My life became an endless whirl of work,work, work in the week. Binge drink,smoke Friday, hangover and dead tired Saturday and then Sunday arrived for, oh yeah,  work! I was stuck in this endless cycle and by September 2012 I wanted out!

So this blog is really about my new quest to find something more fulfilling in life. Who knows what I'll find. I am sure to make mistakes, I am sure to fail and I am sure I will not be perfect. However, I am not desperate for the dream of happily ever after as a 28 year old woman I am more aware than ever that it quite frankly does not exist as far as I am concerned. The way I see it right now is that the happily ever after moments in life are the getting the job,or the guy/girl or loosing the weight,getting the house,dream wedding blah,blah,blah Disney stories fail to mention the life after the happy ever after. Also me not believing in the happy ever after also gives me a great get out clause if this attempt at overhauling my life totally fails and I end up off the waggon and in rehab, or even worse fat camp.