Onwards to the thing that makes you sing!

So two years ago after my initial OMG what do I do next moment. I realised some things.

•  Less is often more :)
•  Consumerism sucks
•  I eat too much meat
•  Smoking is a crutch
•  Booze tricks the wisest monks.

After learning these things one soon understands that's the easy part. The hard part is remembering that is what you think when you really need to think it :) Addiction is a bitch! 

So phase 1 was to take little steps each day and slowly become a brand new me! IF ONLY it were that simple! 

Friday nights were mega hard. The last thing you want do is go to the gym when everyone else is partying because,well Friday! I had brainwashed myself into thinking I was a lesser person if I didn't go out on a Friday, which of course I was, well after a few months anyway! 

It's also about figuring what else to do instead. I tried running, nope hated it, I tried cycling- may return to this but not right now. Walking! Love a good walk and its free!!!! Yes!!! No.1 thing on my list WALK. 

Then I tried kayaking.....Oh kayaking No.2, I tried this at a local inner city reservoir http://castlecanoeclub.co.uk/ I signed up for a years membership and went twice a week. Pretty decent price of around £60 for the year. The  The location is a hidden gem. Such a beautiful place to watch the sunset but the effort involved in kayaking highlighted my lack of fitness. I used to do this as a kid and love it. Now I couldn't pull myself out of the stupid boat. My anxiety crept in and gave me excuses as to why I shouldn't go. So I told them to shove off and continued my watery quest and some extremely embarrassing boat exit moments,which involved my friend pushing and pulling my lardy arse out of said boat on numerous occasions. I vowed to strengthen those upper body muscles. The fact that I could not pull myself out of the swimming pool is a bit worrying. An important life safety skill worth developing me thinks! x 

Just a lil bit further

Finally I can touch my toes! This is progress! There was a point when I didn't think I would even be able to touch my knees!

Two years later

WOW I'm DEDICATED! I know how to maintain a routine right! So I started this two years ago and then didn't keep it up! Ha that's new year for you! BUT  Hey FAST FORWARD two years and the good news is I did keep my new years resolutions. Though not in the way one might expect. No I am not a guru, or a preacher ex smoker and no there was no magic pills involved oh and I did have to spend some money so the free bit went out of the window a little too! Though I will shed some light on the reasons why. For, despite the hard work,tears and tantrums I have been learning some lessons about... well LIFE =)

Not long after I started this blog, I moved house,back into a shared house and I spend just over a year basically playing and having fun,yep shock horror I said it. I went to work, I came home and I did stuff I felt like doing! Sometimes that meant not a lot, other times I'd practice face painting or go kayaking or to a circus skills night, juggling,dancing, hooping whatever I wanted to! I did this for a while and then I realised I still needed to look at other aspects of my life. I was still suffering from terrible migraines I went to the doctor on so many occasions and to be frank each time I left feeling powerless to my situation. I was also struggling with depression,anxiety and panic attacks. My head was in the shed and my stomach was often bloated and in agony. I knew I had IBS my the doctors answer to that was GOOGLE it and offered me a prescription for Buscapan, which I discovered is actually cheaper over the counter. I was advised to take antidepressants on a number of occasions and whilst I believe this route works for some and I would never say never, each circumstance is different but it is not a route I want to take without exploring other options first. 

Bearing in mind I would say I was in a pretty fragile state at the time I am amazed when I look back that I actually managed to survive. At one point I was unemployed over the summer for 6 weeks and I tell you navigating your way through a boatload of confusing paperwork for job seekers allowance is enough to send any sane person crazy, let alone someone who is suffering from poor mental health.
However some how I managed to navigate this and I got through it. Though it really does make me wonder what about those people who really can't pull it together, I honestly don't know how they would mange this system alone.

After a HUGE WAIT of 6 months I began to see a CBT therapist,who actually really helped. We discussed my symptoms and she explained that anxiety can actually have physical effects too,which I was shocked to realize, anxiety was probably causing my nausea, IBS and migraines. It was all linked. I really couldn't believe that my thoughts could effect me in such an involuntary way. I'm still not sure I do!

My therapist introduced me to worry time, which is a period of the day where you allow yourself to worry. This was tough at first but after a while I found that my general worrying reduced and looked at ways to reduce my stress levels further.  I met my therapist once a week for 6 weeks. Though this did not solve my problems it helped that there was someone who would listen to my woes without judgement. I realised the more I saw her the more I would need her so I decided not to continue and instead began to use a journal to vent my frustrations. Besides, I was already starting to feel stronger. During this time I wanted to carry on writing this blog but I had so many things to contend with and it got pushed aside.