Onwards to the thing that makes you sing!

So two years ago after my initial OMG what do I do next moment. I realised some things.

•  Less is often more :)
•  Consumerism sucks
•  I eat too much meat
•  Smoking is a crutch
•  Booze tricks the wisest monks.

After learning these things one soon understands that's the easy part. The hard part is remembering that is what you think when you really need to think it :) Addiction is a bitch! 

So phase 1 was to take little steps each day and slowly become a brand new me! IF ONLY it were that simple! 

Friday nights were mega hard. The last thing you want do is go to the gym when everyone else is partying because,well Friday! I had brainwashed myself into thinking I was a lesser person if I didn't go out on a Friday, which of course I was, well after a few months anyway! 

It's also about figuring what else to do instead. I tried running, nope hated it, I tried cycling- may return to this but not right now. Walking! Love a good walk and its free!!!! Yes!!! No.1 thing on my list WALK. 

Then I tried kayaking.....Oh kayaking No.2, I tried this at a local inner city reservoir http://castlecanoeclub.co.uk/ I signed up for a years membership and went twice a week. Pretty decent price of around £60 for the year. The  The location is a hidden gem. Such a beautiful place to watch the sunset but the effort involved in kayaking highlighted my lack of fitness. I used to do this as a kid and love it. Now I couldn't pull myself out of the stupid boat. My anxiety crept in and gave me excuses as to why I shouldn't go. So I told them to shove off and continued my watery quest and some extremely embarrassing boat exit moments,which involved my friend pushing and pulling my lardy arse out of said boat on numerous occasions. I vowed to strengthen those upper body muscles. The fact that I could not pull myself out of the swimming pool is a bit worrying. An important life safety skill worth developing me thinks! x 

Just a lil bit further

Finally I can touch my toes! This is progress! There was a point when I didn't think I would even be able to touch my knees!

Two years later

WOW I'm DEDICATED! I know how to maintain a routine right! So I started this two years ago and then didn't keep it up! Ha that's new year for you! BUT  Hey FAST FORWARD two years and the good news is I did keep my new years resolutions. Though not in the way one might expect. No I am not a guru, or a preacher ex smoker and no there was no magic pills involved oh and I did have to spend some money so the free bit went out of the window a little too! Though I will shed some light on the reasons why. For, despite the hard work,tears and tantrums I have been learning some lessons about... well LIFE =)

Not long after I started this blog, I moved house,back into a shared house and I spend just over a year basically playing and having fun,yep shock horror I said it. I went to work, I came home and I did stuff I felt like doing! Sometimes that meant not a lot, other times I'd practice face painting or go kayaking or to a circus skills night, juggling,dancing, hooping whatever I wanted to! I did this for a while and then I realised I still needed to look at other aspects of my life. I was still suffering from terrible migraines I went to the doctor on so many occasions and to be frank each time I left feeling powerless to my situation. I was also struggling with depression,anxiety and panic attacks. My head was in the shed and my stomach was often bloated and in agony. I knew I had IBS my the doctors answer to that was GOOGLE it and offered me a prescription for Buscapan, which I discovered is actually cheaper over the counter. I was advised to take antidepressants on a number of occasions and whilst I believe this route works for some and I would never say never, each circumstance is different but it is not a route I want to take without exploring other options first. 

Bearing in mind I would say I was in a pretty fragile state at the time I am amazed when I look back that I actually managed to survive. At one point I was unemployed over the summer for 6 weeks and I tell you navigating your way through a boatload of confusing paperwork for job seekers allowance is enough to send any sane person crazy, let alone someone who is suffering from poor mental health.
However some how I managed to navigate this and I got through it. Though it really does make me wonder what about those people who really can't pull it together, I honestly don't know how they would mange this system alone.

After a HUGE WAIT of 6 months I began to see a CBT therapist,who actually really helped. We discussed my symptoms and she explained that anxiety can actually have physical effects too,which I was shocked to realize, anxiety was probably causing my nausea, IBS and migraines. It was all linked. I really couldn't believe that my thoughts could effect me in such an involuntary way. I'm still not sure I do!

My therapist introduced me to worry time, which is a period of the day where you allow yourself to worry. This was tough at first but after a while I found that my general worrying reduced and looked at ways to reduce my stress levels further.  I met my therapist once a week for 6 weeks. Though this did not solve my problems it helped that there was someone who would listen to my woes without judgement. I realised the more I saw her the more I would need her so I decided not to continue and instead began to use a journal to vent my frustrations. Besides, I was already starting to feel stronger. During this time I wanted to carry on writing this blog but I had so many things to contend with and it got pushed aside.

First steps

Thursday morning the phone rang. It was a call from heaven and I managed to get myself in for a trial day at my local gym. When I used to go three years ago I loved it but getting there was a pain. After about six months I hardly went at all. So I grabbed my towel and headed to the gym. I did an hours work out. It killed me but did I feel better hell yeah! Later that evening I got a call from a local gym called More Fit as I had left a message about a free session not really knowing much about it. The guy booked me in to come in for a session the next day.

Friday morning and I wake up smiling, not felt like that in a while. I get dressed in my joggers and huge sports bra, literally my best friend when running. I listen to some music in the morning and dance about my room. Seratonine fills me with glee! Then at 12 I go off to the session. I am greeted by a personal trainer. He sticks me on the treadmill to warm up for 5 minutes while he tidies up. After we discuss my health,diet and fitness. He was keen to get me started and clearly positive that if you put the effort in then you will get results. The only draw back was I could not afford the fees. However, I can start to change my attitude and belief about food and nutrition. New mantra. Food is fuel. Water is good!

Each day I plan to update with ways to try and live a more healthy existence and not break the bank! Surely with a bit of resourcefulness it must be possible!!!!! I now have to depart for my first free fitness session in my local park.

The problem with the inner critic is that it always finds an excuse not to do something even if it's just making it up.

An example of a conversation between my positive self and my inner critic

me: come on get up

Inner critic: no its too comfy here

me: but you'll feel better after

Inner critic: Nah ....look at the weather..... too cold.

me: Bitch, get the fuck up!

Inner critic: Okay,okay fine...... but do you think it will be on? It is quite cold out.

me: Shut up!stop worrying. Just do it.

Inner critic: Huffs and puffs like an angry teenager and gets up with tail between legs

My own worst enemy

I began my quest 5 days ago. it started with me moping around with the scent of a new year hangover still fresh in the air and the taste of January blues beginning to kick in. I was deep navy blue and my inner critic was busy making myself feel like crap it went something like this.

me: ugh it's new years already and I feel like crap.

inner critic: Yeah just look at you your disgusting.

me: All right, all right I ain't that bad

Inner critic: Ugh three stone in three years that's a serious fat arse problem girl.

me: Yes, OK, your totally right I'm disgusting, I'm awful I'm never going to get a job. Who would employ me.

Inner critic: That's right who would you may as well curl up and die now.

Me: Much wailing under bed covers is heard.


This inner monologue is a constant battle with my self but this time I am not going to loose. ( my inner critic says I should write try not to loose but i am ignoring the little witch. The mind is a powerful thing and god I've read so many self help books I could probably write my own!I've been to the my G.P who watched me cry and dribble my woes for two minutes and then handed out a prescription for antidepressants, which I refuse to take. The problem is it's easy to be swept along by what you should do, you forget to take a moment to think hang on. What do I want to do? Anyway, after my miserable inner critic slagging match, I had a good talking to myself and decided the tried and testing weekend binge drinking, overeating method sure ain't making me happy just poor and fat. Hence I'm gonna have to do it the hard way and work my big butt off. I mean let's face it I ain't getting any younger and a stone a year is gonna put me at around 20 stone by the time I'm 35.. Now that shit's scary! I'd just like to add by the way that the mind or rather my mind is one that is totally addictive,obsessive and depressive so for this to work is going to take proper mind altering focus to the highest degree. I don't know how I will cope in social situations, or when I fall off the waggon. I'm not kidding my self this is not going to be pretty. I have not been involved in proper exercise consistently for over 5 years and even then that was a half arsed gym membership.
So my first baby step is to see what fitness is available locally and to swap Sainsburies in favour of shopping at Lidl's!Wahoo!

With positivity comes creativity

I am not a particularly competitive or power hungry person and so it is difficult for me to answer people when asked "so where do you see yourself in five years" that question confuses the hell out of me since I'd prefer not to think past the next week! I am a creative person or so I'd like to think but slightly misguided,unsupported and highly sensitive to authority. I sincerely wish the world was as amazing as it was in my imagination but the reality is that my imagination is more amazing than reality. It is knowing this that is going to help me over the next few weeks because I am going to make my mind, no force my mind to be happy!

So to begin where I am at now. I am now awaiting my return to the classroom next week with mixed feelings 1) optimism as I get to teach and go home 2) Slight dread as I have previously worked as a supply teacher and know that some days just aren't worth living! I have since blocked these days from my mind as they were far to dreadful to think about. Though one did involve little Jimmy going home covered head to toe in glitter glue and the class hamster escaping and somehow ending up in the loo. Anyway, what with me having no job pressure, I am looking at this as a positive time to do more exercise and generally eat and drink less rubbish. At least that's the plan so far. I am putting this to the test. Now being sort of unemployed, or a temp worker shall we say, I do not have any or much funds to put towards spending on highbrow, beautiful surroundings or personal trainer,gym membership and or super extravagant bull crap diet plans. I am,how should I put it? a normal(overweight)girl, with not much money trying to get fit for free. Or at least as free as possible, I may induldge in the odd swimming session that would usually cost the same as a bottle of wine. I live in inner London, so not sure if that makes it easier as there may be more resources to be had but that is my challenge.

Changes

 
I have been thinking about leaving my job for a long time,well. at least a year, which for me is a long time. I postponed my action because of anxiety and pressure to continue to pursue a chosen path. For me to quit was to fail. However, by the time I made my decison my job description had changed so much that it was no longer something that I had signed up for. Being a robot was not appealing and the system i was working within was not something that I particularly agreed with. Therefore I was doing something I no longer desired to do, it was becoming more and more of a chore I felt like I had to change this as this situation was no longer allowing me to fulfil my potential.

After a truely relaxing christmas in the country,fed on my aunt Figgies amazing cooking and a new year hangover that lasted the entire day and more it's starting to sink in that I that I don't have to go back to work anymore. It's an exhilerhating feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I could break into song and tell them all to stick their policies and procedures. However, for me unemployment is out of the question as I do not want to be homeless and I sure aint gonna rely on the government. To make a start, I have signed up to a supply teaching agency to keep me in a regular routine of work and to ensure that I can cover the bills, right now optimism is my friend.

At this point its fair to mention that I am not desperate to rush into a new long term career, as for now I have decided that it is far more important for me to rediscover my inner calm, sounds cheesy but honestly there is too much noise in my head at the moment. It's like I've been stuck on a roller coaster with no brakes; I need to give my mind things to do things that feed it. I have been so bogged down with form filling,bookmarking and other bureaucratic rubbish that I have not given my mind and soul the breathing space that it needs. My head has been consumed by planning for the next day that I find it difficult to stay in the present moment for long.

As well as this it also leads me onto the state of my diet. Whilst teaching I would grab and snack whenever I got a chance. No mindful eating there then! Breakfast would be a banana, well at least I started well! then break time ooooh yeah I'd take something healthy like an orange or cereal bar but then staff room snacks always got me, especially after that terrible maths lesson where Jimmy threw a pencil and made Sita cry! Not that I was emotionally eating or anything! Lunchtime I'd console myself by a 30 minute break at the local cafe for a chicken sandwich, washed down with a can of red bull and a quick fag. The red bull sugar rush would give me the concentration I needed to get through the afternoon with 30 kids who after lunch time are so emotionally charged you end up having 20 conversations at once to find out that Lucy lost her coat and Mohamed hurt his arm on the Jungle gym.
       Then at the after school meeting I would indulge in a cuppa tea with a few biscuits that were going round. Followed by the 6pm walk to the station, right past the shop. Where I would buy a giant packet of crisps and another can of red bull to see me through till bedtime!. At home my typical evening meals were usually healthy such as protein,carb,veg balance but then 9pm munchies would ruin that balancing attempt and a packet of jaffa cakes whilst marking literacy would tip me over the edge into binge eating hell.             
        As for exercise, I like to pretend I'm active, I got the shoes, I got the clothes somewhere at the back of my wardrobe. I did have a gym membership three years ago but did I go? Yeah sure, like once a week.... maybe. My life became an endless whirl of work,work, work in the week. Binge drink,smoke Friday, hangover and dead tired Saturday and then Sunday arrived for, oh yeah,  work! I was stuck in this endless cycle and by September 2012 I wanted out!

So this blog is really about my new quest to find something more fulfilling in life. Who knows what I'll find. I am sure to make mistakes, I am sure to fail and I am sure I will not be perfect. However, I am not desperate for the dream of happily ever after as a 28 year old woman I am more aware than ever that it quite frankly does not exist as far as I am concerned. The way I see it right now is that the happily ever after moments in life are the getting the job,or the guy/girl or loosing the weight,getting the house,dream wedding blah,blah,blah Disney stories fail to mention the life after the happy ever after. Also me not believing in the happy ever after also gives me a great get out clause if this attempt at overhauling my life totally fails and I end up off the waggon and in rehab, or even worse fat camp.